When I don’t feel poignant enough to write a blog. When all I want to do is sleep, but then I start reading some of my old posts and realize this is my kids’ baby book, so I probably should write about that cute thing they did today.
There are days when I feel like you all must be as sick of reading about Moyamoya as I am of having it.
And there are days when something makes me think. Today is one of those days. I feel like I’m going to be vague here, but it’s all intentional, and necessary.
I’m exhausted. Not physically [though I’d really appreciate it if Bear would stop waking up just as I fall asleep at night], but emotionally. I don’t want to complain – because I honestly have no right to do that – but I’m ready for things to actually be good for my family again. To not have to struggle with everything. To get good news out of a meeting, instead of bad.
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I’ve spent a lot of time with my Bible and a prayer journal trying to find all of the blessings in life I can. Don’t get me wrong; our blessings abound. We’ve got a roof over our heads. The boys are happy and healthy. Despite my occasional complaint to the contrary, M is a wonderful husband. I’ve actually been taking the time to tell him silly reasons I love him with Post-Its on his bathroom mirror. My favorites are when he writes his responses on them. We have food.
Yet there are days when all I want to do is cry.
I keep wondering why. Why me, why us, why now? If anyone has any answers, they’d be appreciated.