Here We Go Again


Are you surprised to see me writing again so soon? Not going to lie, I definitely am surprised to find myself sitting at my computer [which is on the verge of dying thanks to being six years old] clicking away at the keyboard.

Where was I?

Oh, my cat. He’s actually sitting in the chair off to my right at the moment, staring
at the computer & wondering why I’m not sharing pictures of him. He’s sassy, this one.

Say hi to Lucifurr, aka Luci with the Fur [he has his own song which may or may not have taken me two days to write, even though it’s just a reworking of Flo Rida’s Low], aka the cat who is the perfect cat to deal with my crazy.

This is his, "Hey lady, you interrupted my nap!' face.
This is his, “Hey lady, you interrupted my nap!’ face.

I don’t know that I can put in to words what it felt like to be the one to leave when M & I split. And then I read an amazing book called, Hold On, But Don’t Hold Still by Kristina Kuzmic & she put it into words so beautifully: “No one gets into a marriage thinking it won’t work. And when a marriage fails, it feels like a death. If there are kids involved, it feels like many deaths. Many slow, painful deaths. And when you’re the one who is making the decision to pull the plug on a marriage, it can make you feel like a murderer.”

Holy crap, she is right. Whether it was myself or other people, I felt like the worst human being in the entire word. I couldn’t believe I “left” my kids. I couldn’t believe I left a marriage I was determined to make it work when I said my vows. The thing is, even before I read the book, I realized that sometimes people are just incompatible & don’t realize it soon enough. Unfortunately, that’s what happened between M & me. We tried, but in the end, it was best for us to separate. The kids are happier, the two of us are happier. It sort of worked out in the end.

I felt the part of the murderer sometimes, though. I know I was vilified by many people. Not always to my face, mind you, but I know without a doubt it happened. I had people say to me, “I can’t believe you moved four & a half hours away from your kids! How on earth could you do that?” A] They were in a better school distract where they were & B] they needed some sort of stability. If stability meant not uprooting their entire life at once, I was all for it because me moving away uprooted them enough.

I will never say it was easy. In fact, it was damn difficult. We FaceTimed almost every day. I came back to Delaware for a week at a time every month or so. They spent Thanksgiving, Spring, & Summer breaks with me. I came back for Christmas.

But in late 2018, I decided I’d had enough. In November 2019, I moved back to Delaware. J came with me after working through some stuff with my Bonus Kid & coming to an agreement with her mom. The move was supposed to happen in the summer [right around the time the boys went back to school], but it had to be pushed back.

It’s working so far.

With the full understanding that not a whole lot of people are reading this, I’d love it if you’d pose questions I can blog about in the future. It gets old for me hashing out the same things. I can only say, “I suck as a mom because I moved away from my kids” so many times before even I am sick of myself.

Until next time . . .

One Reply to “Here We Go Again”

  1. Please share about the value and worth of you! And how to had to press through FINDING yourself rather that LOSING yourself in an unhealthy situation!

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