I’m sitting here a nervous wreck.
I shouldn’t be so nervous, because the journey I am about to embark on is me finally telling God I’ll listen. The first time.* My parents, husband, family, & friends can all vouch for me when I say that’s not something I’m particularly good at.
Last September, I went to a conference called dotMom in Nashville. It was an amazing two days of teaching & worship & I came back knowing something needed to change, but not really grasping what that was. I felt like something was off. To be perfectly honest, I struggled more with my faith than I ever have.
No matter what I did or how hard I prayed or worshiped, nothing felt right. Then I remembered seeing Jennie Allen speak in Nashville. I picked up the books I bought while I was there. I read Chasing God by Angie Smith. I’ve started to delve into Restless by Jennie Allen. The entire time I was reading Angie’s book, I felt this tugging.
Can we just be real for a minute? I don’t like that feeling. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me want to hide from everyone & everything & just leave me alone, God, I’ve got enough on my plate, thank you very much.
Anyway. I felt this tugging. I have a paper copy of Restless, but I wanted the nook copy because I’m spoiled & carry a lot of books wherever I go now because of that little piece of technology. Did you know that if you type in a title of a book on Barnes & Noble, it’ll give you pretty much every variation of it if you’re not super specific? For some reason, I’d either forgotten that or had a moment of . . . whatever. So I was looking on B&N for Restless & discovered there’s also Bible study for it.
That tugging got so much bigger & the conversation went something like this:
“You’re supposed to lead this study.”
Hi, God, you made me. You’re aware I’m the most introverted person to ever introvert, right? I cannot speak in front of a group of women. Nope nope nope.
“You need to lead this study.”
What I need is a nap. I’m kind of tired from working three jobs.
“You’re going to lead this study.”
I would really just prefer not to do that.
“I’m telling you that you’re going to lead this study no matter how hard you fight me.”
Fine. But if I crash & burn . . .
“You won’t. I won’t let you.”
It took me another month of casually asking people if they would be interested in a new study [and by people I mean two, one of whom is my pastor’s daughter] to finally order the materials. It took another week to set the first date for the study. [March 21 for those of you playing along at home.] I opened the leader book & slammed it shut a few times. I opened the DVD & when it wouldn’t play in my laptop while I worked the other day, shrugged it off like it was no big deal.
Tonight I took the plunge & put the DVD in & I am in awe. I’m a nervous wreck, but I’m so, so, so excited.
And when God does things, he does them big. I got an email tonight about being on the Seamless social media launch team.
*Okay, maybe I didn’t actually say yes right away. Whatever, God made me & he knew I’d fight back a little. He’s well aware I’m not above trying to out stubborn him. Hahaha.