Self Doubt

On Friday night, I was in full on panic mode.

Excuse me, but why on earth did I think I could do a 5K? What the heck had gotten into my head?

Thank you, twitter feed, facebook friends, and people who spent the evening texting with me to keep me encouraged. You want a list of my excuses? They seem super silly now, just so you know.

  • I was going to embarrass myself & be the last across the finish line. [I wasn’t. I checked, and 199 people finished after me.]
  • It was going to be way too cold. [It was cold, but I’ll address that in a bit.]
  • I didn’t want to do it alone. [I didn’t have to.]
  • Brain surgeries. [Yes, I attempted to use that as an excuse.]

Those are just a few of the reasons I didn’t want to do the run on Saturday.

I went to bed late, but that didn’t matter. My alarm was set for 6:30. M got up before me, and when he woke me up, let me know the temperature would be below freezing until about 9:30, and it wasn’t going to hit above 40 until 11 or so. That was a good enough reason to consider definitely not going.

I think my response was, “No, I want that finisher medal,” so I got out of bed, got a shower, and got dressed.

One of the debates I’d had the night before involved whether or not I planned to take my gloves with me on the course. Initially, I did. Then I planned to give them to M. I ended up only wearing them from the car to the starting line. I had on three layers under a Steelers jacket I have, and I originally planned on wearing that, too, but took it off before I ever started & passed it off to M.

I told him as we were walking to the start that I’d done a dangerous thing, wearing a Steelers jacket to a Philly run. He pointed out that the only people who would be angry with me probably couldn’t read white writing on a yellow fleece after a few beers, so I was probably fine. He was also thankful I’d decided to wear it, because he figured he could see me better that way. When I sent him a text asking him to take, I think he was a little disappointed.

Literally as we were getting ready to cross the starting line, M sent a text telling me to be on the lookout for one of our friends. I was trying to find him the crowd [5,000 people is not a small group by any means] when he came up beside me & asked if I wanted a running buddy. I’m incredibly grateful he was there. Because of him, I ran the majority of the first mile when I thought I was going to end up walking the entire course. In that first mile, I slowed down  few times to walk because I wanted to take my ear covering off, and because I got a pretty nasty stitch in my side.

We separated at around the 1.5 mark and I did the rest of it on my own. There was the time I got teary because I saw a sign someone made that said, “Go Mommy!” & it made me really sad my boys weren’t there. Logically, I know it was far too cold for them to be out in that weather, but at that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be able to hug them at the finish. Just after that, I turned on my 10K running app to one of the days & got started on my run/walk intervals. Just before the 3 mile mark, I had to reset it because I’d done the entire “day.” I only had to do one of the intervals, though, because as soon as I saw the 3 mile sign, I knew I could run the rest of it.

And I did. I ran across the finish line. I caught sight of M doing a video, but I haven’t seen it. He’s not entirely sure I’m even in whatever he was videoing, and I think that’s okay with me. Our friend was waiting for me, which was awesome. I grabbed the food & water they had out for us, got a medal, and we took a victory lap around the warning track.

Was I disappointed I finished slower than I wanted to? No, not really, because I finished.

And then on the way home, I signed up for another one.

For the next day, I complained about the  pain I felt in my thighs & rear end. It went away after a good soak in the tub. I am so ready to get back out there now.

One Reply to “Self Doubt”

  1. Ever since you were a little girl, you have aways doubted yourself. I never have, and I never will. (And I’m pretty sure I’m not alone here.) You are one of the strongest people I know, or have ever known. And I’m proud to say that as I watched you grow from my baby, to the mature, loving young woman, wife, mother you have become, you have RARELY disappointed me. I have watched you face many challenges in your short (yes, I said short) lifetime, and you have always faced them head-on, and never backed down. Especially when you KNOW you’re right, or doing the right thing. (I’ll take credit for that.) And you almost always win.

    The only person I can say that is/was stronger than you, of course, was Sugar. But you have morphed into HER mini me. Wear it proudly Baby Girl. Continue to face life head-on, and never take “No” for an answer. And when you REALLY need that boost of encouragement, think about her, and how strong she was. And always remember, you can do anything you put your mind to.

    I love you Baby Girl.

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