My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
This. Those four lines? Are the way I feel lately.
It’s difficult some days to even get out of bed. There are days when I smile for the boys when all I want to do is sob. There are days when I skip a run [ahem, I haven’t run since Saturday] because I just don’t want to do it.
I’m stressed. I’m discouraged. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. And if you ask me to talk about it, I’ll refuse. It’s just how I am.
And you know what? A lot of that is my own doing.
I don’t reach out to people when I need help. I don’t like burdening people with what I feel are petty issues.
So what if we’re struggling to pay bills some months. So what if I keep denying myself stuff I really want because I put my husband and kids ahead of me [almost] every. single. time. So what if I cried over buying a new pair of jeans I needed [because my other ones got too big] because I felt like I was being selfish.
These things are all silly. They’re things other people have gone through. Other people are going through worse. Hell, I have gone through worse.
I always seem to have the words to say when someone is venting to me. I can be so encouraging to other people. I love being encouraging to other people. I genuinely love being able to make someone feel even a tiny bit better.
People ask me every day how I am. My usual answer is, “Fine.” or, “Doing well.”
I’m almost never doing well & my fine days are few & far between. I have a lot on my mind. And I refuse to let anyone help me shoulder that burden because that’s selfish.
Thank you for letting me rant. If I can’t use my blog for that, what good is it, right?