Worn

I’m tired
I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

This. Those four lines? Are the way I feel lately.

It’s difficult some days to even get out of bed. There are days when I smile for the boys when all I want to do is sob. There are days when I skip a run [ahem, I haven’t run since Saturday] because I just don’t want to do it.

I’m stressed. I’m discouraged. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. And if you ask me to talk about it, I’ll refuse. It’s just how I am.

And you know what? A lot of that is my own doing.

I don’t reach out to people when I need help. I don’t like burdening people with what I feel are petty issues.

So what if we’re struggling to pay bills some months. So what if I keep denying myself stuff I really want because I put my husband and kids ahead of me [almost] every. single. time. So what if I cried over buying a new pair of jeans I needed [because my other ones got too big] because I felt like I was being selfish.

These things are all silly. They’re things other people have gone through. Other people are going through worse. Hell, I have gone through worse.

I always seem to have the words to say when someone is venting to me. I can be so encouraging to other people. I love being encouraging to other people. I genuinely love being able to make someone feel even a tiny bit better.

People ask me every day how I am. My usual answer is, “Fine.” or, “Doing well.”

I’m almost never doing well & my fine days are few & far between. I have a lot on my mind. And I refuse to let anyone help me shoulder that burden because that’s selfish.

Thank you for letting me rant. If I can’t use my blog for that, what good is it, right?

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