What a Difference a Year Makes.

A year ago today, I did maybe the hardest thing ever.

I drove away from Delaware, & from my babies, to start a new journey.

You see, M & I agreed in October of 2017 that we should separate. Part of that separation was me moving to Virginia.

I know, right? That’s a LONG way from my kiddos. [Roughly 4.5 hours, for those of you playing at home.]

It’s not easy. Not at all. I go back to Delaware for about a week once a month. I have a place to stay [with M & the boys] & I have the opportunity to work [both at the restaurant I’ve been working at for nearly 5 years & for M, whenever he needs help].

So. In a year. I have been separated. I have driven one car basically into the ground. The boys were here for summer break & again for the Thanksgiving holiday [they get the entire week off]. This summer, I took a new position at work which has been simultaneously chaotic & enriching. I started dating.

I’ve grown as a human being. I’ve grown as a mom. I have done a lot of self searching.

I can’t lie & say this has been a walk in the park. I’ve already said more than once it isn’t easy. I miss the kids constantly. I cry more than a human ever should. I have learned to appreciate the time I have with the babies more than I would have if I’d stayed in Delaware.

That being said, I am most definitely moving back. Being away from the boys is way too difficult. I don’t know when it’s going to happen, but I hope this summer. That’s my goal, anyway.

2018 was both an awful year & an amazing year. I got a position at work I’d longed for, for well over a year. I moved out on my own, which I’d never done before. In December, my dad passed away, so 2019 is going to be another year of firsts in a way I didn’t expect so soon.

Please forgive the awkward. I haven’t blogged in a very long time. This year . . . Maybe I’ll do it more. I don’t think I can make any promises though. But thanks for listening to my rant.

I Think I’m Ready.

I think I’m ready to step back into the world of blogging.

I know terribly few people care about what I have to say, but I don’t think it matters. I use this as a way to chronicle my kids’ lives.

They start school again in a couple of weeks. I’m going to start going batty again in a couple of weeks. I really should take them out to get things like backpacks & school supplies, but I don’t want to. I want to live in denial for a little longer.

The Time I Learned to Breathe

“Mommy? Can you hook up a monitor to this computer so I can use it?”

I looked at the pile of work around me on the only day I’m in this particular office & told Butter that no, I couldn’t. I thought I had to take the monitor off of my computer & I had no idea where my new one was & besides that we didn’t have any cables, so I told him I didn’t have time to search for things.

He seemed fine. He went back upstairs to watch the Olympics, leaving me to work in peace.

For five minutes.

Then he came downstairs & told me he knew where the cables were & was going to go get them. I told him no. I had an epic pile of stuff to do & I knew he wouldn’t let up. When Butter gets focused on something, he is FOCUSED. Things done right away aren’t being done quickly enough. That was when I burst into tears.

I love working a flexible job. I love having my kids here with me when I’m working. I don’t particularly love that they seem to think all of Mommy’s attention needs to be on them. All of it. They’re constantly asking me to play with them, completely oblivious to the piles of paper that surround me & how much I have to do.

I reached a breaking point. I reached out to a couple of friends & told them how frustrated I was. I told them I was sobbing because I know. I know I’m too hard on Butter & I don’t want to be. I want to have more patience with him. I want to be there for him when he needs me. I want to be the fun Mommy, not the Mommy who just yells & says no all the time.

The advice was to breathe & give myself a time out before making any decisions.

So I did.

I took a breath.

And then, I made a decision.

This work will be here tomorrow. It can be done tomorrow with little consequence except my energy level. But that’s what coffee is for anyway, right? So I took time. I watched from my desk as he got his computer set up with some help from a friend & learned what’s missing. We need some cable or another & then he’ll be on his way to coding with the best of them. 

I can come back & get the work done tomorrow. I won’t ever have that time back with my son.

I’m trying, Butter.