Restless

I’m sitting here a nervous wreck.

I shouldn’t be so nervous, because the journey I am about to embark on is me finally telling God I’ll listen. The first time.* My parents, husband, family, & friends can all vouch for me when I say that’s not something I’m particularly good at.

Last September, I went to a conference called dotMom in Nashville. It was an amazing two days of teaching & worship & I came back knowing something needed to change, but not really grasping what that was. I felt like something was off. To be perfectly honest, I struggled more with my faith than I ever have.

No matter what I did or how hard I prayed or worshiped, nothing felt right. Then I remembered seeing Jennie Allen speak in Nashville. I picked up the books I bought while I was there. I read Chasing God by Angie Smith. I’ve started to delve into Restless by Jennie Allen. The entire time I was reading Angie’s book, I felt this tugging.

Can we just be real for a minute? I don’t like that feeling. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me want to hide from everyone & everything & just leave me alone, God, I’ve got enough on my plate, thank you very much.

Anyway. I felt this tugging. I have a paper copy of Restless, but I wanted the nook copy because I’m spoiled & carry a lot of books wherever I go now because of that little piece of technology. Did you know that if you type in a title of a book on Barnes & Noble, it’ll give you pretty much every variation of it if you’re not super specific? For some reason, I’d either forgotten that or had a moment of . . . whatever. So I was looking on B&N for Restless & discovered there’s also Bible study for it.

That tugging got so much bigger & the conversation went something like this:

“You’re supposed to lead this study.”
Hi, God, you made me. You’re aware I’m the most introverted person to ever introvert, right? I cannot speak in front of a group of women. Nope nope nope.
“You need to lead this study.”
What I need is a nap. I’m kind of tired from working three jobs.
“You’re going to lead this study.”
I would really just prefer not to do that.
“I’m telling you that you’re going to lead this study no matter how hard you fight me.”

Fine. But if I crash & burn . . .
“You won’t. I won’t let you.”

It took me another month of casually asking people if they would be interested in a new study [and by people I mean two, one of whom is my pastor’s daughter] to finally order the materials. It took another week to set the first date for the study. [March 21 for those of you playing along at home.] I opened the leader book & slammed it shut a few times. I opened the DVD & when it wouldn’t play in my laptop while I worked the other day, shrugged it off like it was no big deal.

Tonight I took the plunge & put the DVD in & I am in awe. I’m a nervous wreck, but I’m so, so, so excited.

And when God does things, he does them big. I got an email tonight about being on the Seamless social media launch team.

*Okay, maybe I didn’t actually say yes right away. Whatever, God made me & he knew I’d fight back a little. He’s well aware I’m not above trying to out stubborn him. Hahaha.

I’m in tears as I sit here writing this.

Because right now, I’m a little angry with God. I’m questioning His plan even though I know I shouldn’t. I mean, why would it ever be part of His plan to have a family suffer so much? Theirs is not my story to tell, but clicking on that link and seeing all they’ve handled with more grace and faith than I can imagine having . . . I’m in awe of them every day.

I’ve always told my friends I think it’s okay to be angry at God. You get angry at your earthly father, right? I don’t know a single person who hasn’t ever been mad at their dad. My children are regularly angry at M because he won’t let them do this or that thing they want to do right this very second. [Hypothetically. M is currently at work.]

While I’m stressed out over Butter going to Kindergarten tomorrow, the Stone family is praying for a miracle for their little boy. I have every bit of faith Kaden was put on this earth to teach us a lesson.

Again, I think it’s okay to be mad. But it’s not okay to turn away from Him because we’re so angry. In the past, I’ve yelled. I’ve raged. Don’t laugh at me, but once I actually shook my fist at Heaven. [I said don’t laugh!] I don’t understand. But then I remember it’s not my job to understand. It’s my job to trust and have faith that God’s plan is not our plan and His plan is for the best, even if we don’t understand or agree with it.

There is nothing I can do but pray for God’s mercy for that family. For comfort for Kaden. For them to get the miracle which they are so desperately seeking. And above all, I can pray for God’s plan to work exactly as it should, for us to see the lessons we are to learn from this sooner than later.

Worn

I’m tired
I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

This. Those four lines? Are the way I feel lately.

It’s difficult some days to even get out of bed. There are days when I smile for the boys when all I want to do is sob. There are days when I skip a run [ahem, I haven’t run since Saturday] because I just don’t want to do it.

I’m stressed. I’m discouraged. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. And if you ask me to talk about it, I’ll refuse. It’s just how I am.

And you know what? A lot of that is my own doing.

I don’t reach out to people when I need help. I don’t like burdening people with what I feel are petty issues.

So what if we’re struggling to pay bills some months. So what if I keep denying myself stuff I really want because I put my husband and kids ahead of me [almost] every. single. time. So what if I cried over buying a new pair of jeans I needed [because my other ones got too big] because I felt like I was being selfish.

These things are all silly. They’re things other people have gone through. Other people are going through worse. Hell, I have gone through worse.

I always seem to have the words to say when someone is venting to me. I can be so encouraging to other people. I love being encouraging to other people. I genuinely love being able to make someone feel even a tiny bit better.

People ask me every day how I am. My usual answer is, “Fine.” or, “Doing well.”

I’m almost never doing well & my fine days are few & far between. I have a lot on my mind. And I refuse to let anyone help me shoulder that burden because that’s selfish.

Thank you for letting me rant. If I can’t use my blog for that, what good is it, right?