When Bad Days Can’t Be Explained

Yesterday was an awful day for me, brain wise.

I forgot things & I’m probably being written up at one of my jobs because of a major mess up. It just was not a good day at all.

You know, normally that’s fine. But it isn’t okay when the people around you have no working knowledge of what’s going on & you’re too upset to explain to them that really, this is not your fault. That when your head hurts so badly you’re barely functioning, it’s difficult to remember to look for things that should be there but aren’t.

When I came home & told M what happened, he tried to comfort me. He tried to say that he understands how frustrating it is to not be able to voice what’s wrong, but when I pointed out that actually he has no idea, he agreed.

He has no idea what it’s like to know something is wrong, but not be able to verbalize it. He has no idea the tears this causes, or the frustration with both everyone around me and myself. There are times I want to scream about how this is not my fault, but I can’t. All I wanted to do was sleep & I couldn’t. I was up for a couple of extra hours, pouring over the details of the evening, trying to figure out some way I can point to things not being right when someone asks me about them.

I can’t think of anything. Because those people don’t know me well enough to see when I’m having an off day. My family & the majority of my friends, yes. 95% of my coworkers? Not so much.

I hate Moyamoya.

Oh, My Son.

We’re purging our house of things we just don’t use or need any more.

When M found a couple of our old digital cameras in a drawer last week, Butter immediately started asking for one. He wanted a camera in the worst way. We gave him the one that was kind of working [it’s taken blurry pictures since just after Bear was born, thanks to Butter playing with the settings & somehow ‘fixing’ it for us] & let him have at it. And then his GrandMom found a great deal on a brand new one [seriously, why wasn’t that one a thing when WE were in the market for a new camera?!] & grabbed it for him.

So Butter & Bear were playing with the camera tonight. It’s not anything they haven’t done before, but when I asked them what they were doing, they said they were making a video.

They got it all set up on the love seat at exactly the level they wanted it to be & God love my children, I looked up at exactly the right moment. Butter was telling Bear to “Turn around & pull your pants down! This will be the funniest video ever!” Yeah, Mom doesn’t exactly agree with you on that one, bud.

I stopped them before they did anything that will haunt them in the future & took the camera away for the evening.

For those of you keeping score at home? He so did not get this from me. Perhaps his Poppy. Definitely his Pop.



I’m sitting here a nervous wreck.

I shouldn’t be so nervous, because the journey I am about to embark on is me finally telling God I’ll listen. The first time.* My parents, husband, family, & friends can all vouch for me when I say that’s not something I’m particularly good at.

Last September, I went to a conference called dotMom in Nashville. It was an amazing two days of teaching & worship & I came back knowing something needed to change, but not really grasping what that was. I felt like something was off. To be perfectly honest, I struggled more with my faith than I ever have.

No matter what I did or how hard I prayed or worshiped, nothing felt right. Then I remembered seeing Jennie Allen speak in Nashville. I picked up the books I bought while I was there. I read Chasing God by Angie Smith. I’ve started to delve into Restless by Jennie Allen. The entire time I was reading Angie’s book, I felt this tugging.

Can we just be real for a minute? I don’t like that feeling. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me want to hide from everyone & everything & just leave me alone, God, I’ve got enough on my plate, thank you very much.

Anyway. I felt this tugging. I have a paper copy of Restless, but I wanted the nook copy because I’m spoiled & carry a lot of books wherever I go now because of that little piece of technology. Did you know that if you type in a title of a book on Barnes & Noble, it’ll give you pretty much every variation of it if you’re not super specific? For some reason, I’d either forgotten that or had a moment of . . . whatever. So I was looking on B&N for Restless & discovered there’s also Bible study for it.

That tugging got so much bigger & the conversation went something like this:

“You’re supposed to lead this study.”
Hi, God, you made me. You’re aware I’m the most introverted person to ever introvert, right? I cannot speak in front of a group of women. Nope nope nope.
“You need to lead this study.”
What I need is a nap. I’m kind of tired from working three jobs.
“You’re going to lead this study.”
I would really just prefer not to do that.
“I’m telling you that you’re going to lead this study no matter how hard you fight me.”

Fine. But if I crash & burn . . .
“You won’t. I won’t let you.”

It took me another month of casually asking people if they would be interested in a new study [and by people I mean two, one of whom is my pastor’s daughter] to finally order the materials. It took another week to set the first date for the study. [March 21 for those of you playing along at home.] I opened the leader book & slammed it shut a few times. I opened the DVD & when it wouldn’t play in my laptop while I worked the other day, shrugged it off like it was no big deal.

Tonight I took the plunge & put the DVD in & I am in awe. I’m a nervous wreck, but I’m so, so, so excited.

And when God does things, he does them big. I got an email tonight about being on the Seamless social media launch team.

*Okay, maybe I didn’t actually say yes right away. Whatever, God made me & he knew I’d fight back a little. He’s well aware I’m not above trying to out stubborn him. Hahaha.