Breathe In, Breathe Out

The first of my two surgeries is set for November 8.

Three weeks from yesterday.

To say I’m freaking out would be putting it kind of mildly. I sobbed harder than I’ve cried in a long time on Monday night. I considered not doing the surgery for several reasons. None of which are probably “good” reasons unless you’re me.

I didn’t sleep well Sunday night. Monday morning, when I finally talked with my surgeon, he made a comment about cutting a small hole in my skull. I looked at him like he was insane and said, “That’s not small!” [What he was showing me was roughly the circumference of a big super ball you get in one of those machines outside of a grocery store.]

He explained the surgery to me [STA-MCA for those who want to read about it], then the risks. The hope is that the direct bypass will be what happens, but I also know it’s dependent on the blood vessels being the right size, and he mentioned Monday I have a rather small temporal artery. As his nurse said, “That’s the one place you don’t want to be skinny.”

It’s roughly a four hour surgery. I am the first case of the day, which means I’ll probably have to get there at O’Dark Thirty to be admitted. I’ll be under general anesthesia. They’ll wake me up before I go up to the ICU, where I’ll spend a day or so. I’ll go to the regular floor after that, and hopefully only spend three or four days total. I’ve been warned about additional headaches. I’ll be on an anti-seizure medication for about a week. I can expect to be tired for a few weeks, and to generally not feel well. I will be allowed to hold my babies, and that’s important to me. I may not be able to pick them up by myself, but I can hold them.

I’m a little sad my surgery is so close to M’s 40th birthday, and to LB’s 1st. LB’s party isn’t until the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so I’ll hopefully be present for it, rather than just a bump on a log who looks a lot like his Mommy. I’m really upset about M’s 40th, but when we talked about moving the surgery after LB’s birthday, I got really anxious. The days leading up to Monday were not good for me. I got progressively more anxious and I know it’s probably only going to get worse from here.

I’m not sure when the second surgery will be, but Dr. Zager did say the right side is almost as bad as the left and it’s lucky I haven’t shown any symptoms so far. There are a lot of surgeons who will do the surgeries within a week of each other, but he’d rather I be feeling better and more like myself before he does the second one.

So . . . there’s that. Thoughts and prayers are always appreciated.