Absentee Blogger

If you’re looking at your screen, wondering why I’m finally posting for the first time since July, I can’t answer that question for you.

Or, I could, but it would be a really long, drawn out, boring explanation. And no one wants to be bored when they’re reading blogs. Actually, does anyone even read this thing anymore? I would be completely unoffended if no one read my words. They’re not that well put together & I’m well aware that I’m a hot mess.

No really, ask Bear. He alternates between telling me I’m a princess & a hot mess. Ah, three. What will I do when you depart from my life? [CELEBRATE, THAT’S WHAT.]

The truth is, as I’ve stated before, a lot of the things in my head aren’t really fit for the Internet at this point. I’m overwhelmed inside my head most days & it’s not even things anyone else would likely deem “important.” Whatever. What I’m trying to say is, I’m going to try to get better at this blogging thing. It’s not like I’m not on social media. I take lots of pictures I put on Instagram. See? ——>

So you’re going to get a, ‘What I Did on my Summer Vacation’ style post.

  • I saw One Direction in concert. Hush. It was one of the best experiences I’ve had in a while. It was nice to be able to turn Mom mode off & Fan Girl mode on.
  • I saw Dr. Messé twice in two weeks. Only one time was for me, though I think I had him genuinely concerned when he saw me in the Penn Neurology office the second time.
  • Speaking of the Moyamoya, it appears to be gaining traction in the media. That’s amazing. It was on the season opener of Royal Pains [which I still haven’t seen, but I’ve heard they didn’t portray it quite like they probably should have] & just last week, it was on the TV show The Doctors. I read about that one without watching the video, but apparently the woman they had on had a stroke while she was pregnant. I was tempted to shout from the rooftops that she’s not the only one that happened to.
  • Butter started First Grade.
  • Bear started the Fours class.
  • M opened a food truck.
  • I picked up a third job.
  • I read an absurd number of books.
  • I went on a trip all by myself to Nashville & it was wonderful because I really felt I was poured into by the conference I went to & I got to see my bestie.
  • The boys got cats.
  • The cats subsequently drove me mad.
  • We swam.
  • We ran around outside on the ‘tree house.’
  • GILMORE GIRLS CAME TO NETFLIX & IT WAS A GLORIOUS START TO OCTOBER.
  • I realized I don’t nap enough.
  • I apologized profusely to all those naps I refused to take in Kindergarten.
  • I went on a mission trip to North Carolina with teenagers. It was actually a lot of fun.
  • And just last weekend, I drove with the boys – by myself – to visit family in Western Pennsylvania.

Whew. I’m exhausted reading that. I was exhausted living it, too. I should probably add on that I’ve started drinking more coffee, but that’s not true. I still drink the same amount of coffee I did before all of that happened.

Six.

I’m trying really hard not to tear up as I write this, but somehow, I don’t think it will work.

Butter is six today. He now needs two hands to show people hold old he is. In a month, he starts first grade. It’s the first birthday since his birth day that he’s woken up away from home.

Oh, Butter. How you’ve grown since last year. Not only in stature [I’m convinced you’ll be taller than me before you hit double digits], but in knowledge, in courage, in discipline, & in faith. You still love to read. You played soccer & tee ball again this year, & started your most favorite activity to date – karate. You lost five teeth over the course of Kindergarten.  You were so proud the day you lost a tooth in school & got to come home with a special necklace housing that lost tooth.

You love, love, love Ben 10 [much to Mommy’s chagrin] & the Power Rangers. You love to play Wild Kratts with your brother. He still looks at you like you hung the moon, by the way. I think you think LEGOs are just about the best things ever, even though Mommy typically ends up building your sets with a little assistance, not the other way around. You’ve spent the last year pushing buttons, but that’s okay. You’re a kid & that’s what kids do. Maybe just go easy on Mommy & Pop on the number of buttons you push in a single day? We’d appreciate it.

You’ve learned the art of sleeping in this year. I think your love of sleep rivals mine & there are definitely days when I’m envious of how much sleep you get vs how much sleep I get. I think it’s pretty darn adorable that you complain that your brother won’t let you sleep in because he’s been doing that to us for the past three & a half years, dude.

We can’t wait to see what Year Six brings you. Keep on keepin’ on, Butter. You’re a rock star in the eyes of your parents & we love you more than you could ever imagine.

Waiting for the 4th of July parade to start.

Making silly faces at VBS.

“Being a Mom is Tough”

Oh, how I wish I’d heeded those words when M & I decided to start our family.

You all know I haven’t been the best about blogging lately, but I’m hoping this online Bible Study – and this blog hop – will get me back into the swing of things. This study is called Am I Messing Up My Kids? & legitimately couldn’t have come at a better time, because I am constantly asking that question. I am so glad I saw a photo taken by Rebecca on my instagram feed that had me signing up for the study & rushing out to our local Family Christian Store to buy the book.

This week, I’m supposed to tell you my mama story. It seems kind of redundant to me because this blog has been about very few things other than my mama story, but maybe it would be good to get it out all at once.

When M & I got married, we knew we wanted kids. I always told him I’d envisioned myself much like Jill on Home Improvement – I’d have three boys. The first time I got pregnant, I messed up the reveal to my husband in many ways. He wasn’t the first person I told & sometimes he still teases me about that. I had a miscarriage with that baby at 7 weeks & a lot of times, it still really hurts. But then I remember we wouldn’t have Butter without having had that loss & I’m a little more okay with it.

The second time I got pregnant, I just knew. I went to M in the kitchen & told him three things. I said, “I’m pregnant, it’s a boy, and he will be born on August 8.” I was only wrong about one of those things. And if you’re asking yourself why I said he’d be born on August 8? Because I miscarried 8/8/07 & just knew that this little boy would arrive on 8/8/08. He arrived on 7/24/08 & the moment I saw him, I was even more in love with him than I could have imagined. He got his nickname because mama was exhausted one night & trying to calm him down. It was a stream of, “It’s okay, bud, buddy, budder.” And for some reason, that budder transformed into Butter & he’s been that ever since.

Butter gave us a scare the first few weeks. I was struggling with nursing him & he was throwing up pretty much every time he ate. We took him in for a well baby check & the pediatrician said she thought she heard a heart murmur & she diagnosed him with reflux all at the same time. We got orders to take him to the children’s hospital for an x-ray the next day. After radiology read it, the on call doc called me & said, “Don’t get comfortable where you are. You need to go back to the ER.” My heart dropped to my stomach. There was a haze on the x-ray [which I now think was the result of trying to do a film on a wiggly infant] that they weren’t quite sure about. He was admitted & eventually diagnosed with failure to thrive because he hadn’t gained much [if any?] weight since he’d been born. I kept trying to explain to the nurses & doctors that he’d just been diagnosed with – and given medication for – reflux the previous day, but no one wanted to listen to me. It was pretty awful, to say the least.

For the record? He’s fine now & will turn six a week from tomorrow.

Bear presented his own set of challenges. Just as I knew when I was pregnant with Butter, I knew with Bear. Somewhere exists a photo I took of Butter the day I told M I thought I was a pregnant again, but no matter how much searching I do, I can’t find it. Oh well. Bear came into our lives on 11/17/10, just four days after his Pop turned 39. He wasn’t due to be born for another 12 days, but he’s been letting us know who’s boss since the very beginning. I’d had a TIA when I was six months pregnant [the first indication of my Moyamoya diagnosis], so I fretted about how he would handle the stress my body had gone through. He was loud & proud the day he was born. Then he gave us the scare of our lives. He spent 20 long, pretty torturous days in the NICU due to PPHN. Though I didn’t know it at the time, we came pretty close to losing him in those early days. [I am eternally grateful to my amazing husband for keeping that information from me.] He got his nickname when he came off the ventilator. Pop said he sounded like an angry bear.

He’s fine now, too, and pushing my buttons every day of his threenager year. For a kid who’s been doing so well with potty training, he’s had a fair number of accidents in the past few days. Last night, as I cleaned up one of his messes, I sobbed. Whether it was the day I had yesterday [Oh, what a day it was. I may write about that soon.] or just frustration over something that had been going so well that suddenly isn’t again, I’m not sure. I just know that last night, I was at my wit’s end & just didn’t know how I was going to go on.

And then I remembered that I’m not in this alone. Every day, there are mamas who are dealing with far worse than I am. There are mamas out there who get this season of life better than I could ever hope to. And better than that? No matter how alone I feel, I know I’m not. My Heavenly Father is with me, seeing those tears & that frustration & that brokeness & begging me to lay it on Him. Last night, for the first time in a long time, I admitted I can’t do it all on my own [which is something I struggle with on a daily basis]. It’s liberating to realize there is someone bigger than me who wants to take my burdens.

I’m really looking forward to what I learn over the course of the next six weeks or so.

If you click the button below, you can read some of the other stories. I look forward to getting to these other mamas out there who get it.

 

P31 OBS Blog Hop