I Don’t Even Know

There are many things I am supposed to be doing at this exact moment, but computer problems are lending to me not doing those things. I’ve learned that one of the best things to do when computers throw fits is to wait them out. They’re kind of like toddlers that way.

You know, way back when I started this blog [before it became Noise with Dirt; I actually can’t even remember what I called it when I started it before Butter was born], I had this grand design that I was going to write a post that went viral & suddenly people would be looking to me as an admired mom blog.

That has obviously never happened.

Then when I was diagnosed with Moyamoya, I imagined this would be a place people found via search to see that what they were feeling was 100% normal.

That hasn’t happened either.

I’m writing for me now & I think I like that.

I’m writing so that my boys will know what happened in their lives, because I never filled out their baby books [pretty sure Bear doesn’t even have a baby book, let’s be honest] & honestly? This place came in wayyy handy when Butter had to do a timeline of his life for a first grade project.

Side note – you know what’s funny? As of writing this, I haven’t run since I announced on the blog that I was running again. Hahaha. I am looking at signing up for a few events with the Hogwarts Running Club, though. The Time Turner event is coming up & I’m having a hard time picking which event I want to do. I love all of the medals & let’s face it – for me – running is all about the bling.

I’m sitting here with a ton of things I want to write about, but can’t yet. It’ll come in time, but right now? I just don’t know. There are a lot more things I don’t know than I ever thought. And surprisingly? I’m okay with that. I know I’m being vague, but the things going on right now aren’t fit for the Internet.

I will say I am excited about November for more than one reason. And frankly, I’m surprised about the end of September & all of October, too. [I promise, as soon as I can, I’ll write it out.]

Hullo, Harry.

I am unashamed to admit I went to see One Direction on Tuesday night at Lincoln Financial Field.

The seats were amazing. Like, eleven people were between Harry Styles  [when he was on the catwalk] & me amazing.

This photo was taken on from my seat, but they were on the B stage, so there were many many people between Harry & me when I took this. I’d like to thank my camera’s zoom. I’m so so proud of this photo. The untouched one I put on my instagram account. This one I’ve played with the coloring a little. I am in love.

There’s a Name for That

There is a name for the bone weary exhaustion I feel most days & I cannot tell you how comforted I am by this knowledge.

It’s called neurofatigue. On the most basic level, I knew what the symptoms were because I feel them almost daily.

  • There are a lot of days when I feel like all the energy I have for that day is used up in a couple of hours.
  • There are days when I have no idea how I’m going to get through another conversation.
  • There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed & it’s not fair that I have to because I’m so so so tired & please just let me sleep a little longer. Please?
  • There are days when I need to take a nap before I can have one more conversation with someone.
  • Sometimes those days happen all in the same day.

This battery image that is also on the article I linked above is the best explanation I’ve seen. It genuinely does not help that I am working with insomnia right now. But apparently this is normal.

neurofatigue

When I get tired, I make more mistakes. I use everything in the world to distract me from what I need to be doing instead of what I want to be doing. It’s also normal to have insomnia at the same time, which doesn’t seem fair to me at all, but. Who am I to say what I can & can’t get through? I never thought Moyamoya could be compared to having a traumatic brain injury, but the more articles I read? Yeah, it is. I’ve had strokes for crying out loud. They weren’t major [thank God], but they’re there. They’re the reason I have scar tissue on my brain. My head has been cut into to repair damage my own body is doing to itself.

I’m trying like hell not to cry while I write this, because I know that on some level, a lot of my family, friends, & coworkers understand that this happens to me. But for those who don’t? It’s incredibly frustrating to deal. I don’t mean to snap at people. I don’t mean to forget things. I don’t mean to be so focused on staying awake that I can’t focus on anything else. I hate not having the energy to go grocery shopping when 15 minutes ago I was gung ho about it. I hate that my kids suffer because sometimes Mommy just can’t. And no in that anthem way of, “I can’t even” that seems to be running the internet & everyone around me lately. I actually, literally, can’t sometimes.

I also can’t tell you how much I just want to be that super mom that everyone thinks I am. The super woman. The super wife. I’m none of those things. Because some days? Staying upright long enough to get the kids into bed so I can crawl into mine takes everything.