On Being Secondary

The moment I became a mom, I became secondary to the person I helped create. And for a while, I was okay with that. Conversations no longer started with, “How are you?” but rather, “How is the baby?” It grew with the birth of Bear, especially given all the time spent in the NICU with him.

I find that as they grow older though, I get a little more annoyed. I don’t just want to be Butter’s mom or Bear’s mom. I want to be a person! Then I remember I’m an introvert & don’t really care for talking to people, so I will inevitably be known this way for at least the next twenty years. I’m trying not to struggle with that. It’s the reason I’ve decided to do the 21 Day Fix. It’s the reason I read a lot, so I can occasionally make an observation about popular books. It’s also the reason I try like heck to keep my mouth shut about Fifty Shades of Grey [please tell me I’m not the only one who finds it humorous that my phone tried to autocorrect that to Filthy]. Look, I know it’s a ‘worldwide sensation,’* but it’s theft & it’s abuse. No means no, Edwistan Grullen. I’m sure somewhere in the very distant future, the boys will appreciate that I’ve kept most of my opinions on that crap to myself. At least they’ll appreciate it not being where a Google search will find it, anyway.

I digress.

I’m trying to be better at putting my needs before those of the kids. Physically, there are times when I need it. Mentally, I need my quiet time to read my Bible & books to make me a more sane wife & mom.

Mostly, I just want to be first in something again. If that makes me selfish, so be it. I’ll be a selfish, happy mom who doesn’t contemplate a bottle of wine when her kid buys breakfast AGAIN FOR THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK despite knowing how much trouble he’ll be in if he goes against instructions. Did you know that winning a bear because you play a game at breakfast makes Skylanders disappear? It does in our house.

*Dear Internet, someone please invent a sarcasm font. Please. Just make sure it doesn’t look like comic sans. Kthx.

[Written in the front seat of my car, sitting in the garage while Bear naps in the back seat. Thank you, Jesus, for Wifi that reaches into the garage.]

Write When You Can

I started this post sitting at a gas station while my car filled up, ahead of Thor. 

Admittedly, the nerd in me is kind of giddy this storm is named Thor. I’m expecting thundersnows, obviously.

I’ve often lamented my writing frequency. That changes now. I have a smart phone, I have a wordpress app, I have things to say. So, I’ll say it in spurts at the bus stop, karate, or while I’m waiting in the pick up line. Or at doctors appointments. 

The point is, I have no more excuses to avoid writing. 

I Just . . .

It’s been . . . a rough couple of weeks.

And no where near as rough as some of my people are going through.

It started before Christmas, I think. And then it just carried through. Christmas was – naturally – crazy around here. A dear friend got sick(er) & passed away. That was hard. Her kids are around the same ages as mine & I just . . . Well, let’s just say there was one day I sat on my kitchen floor hugging the boys so tightly they asked if I was done yet. [“Because you’re hurting us, Mommy.”]

I’m battling posting what I really want to here.

Because this place is out there. Like, out in public. With the knowledge that people I actually know can & do read it. People who know me, not just the me they see through their computer screens. People who have the ability to build me up & break me down just as quickly with a word or an action or a misunderstanding.

Way back when I started this blog, before Butter was born, I had these grand designs that I was going to be this amazing Mommy Blogger. I am so not a Mommy Blogger. I don’t even think I can take the title of Blogger seriously most days/weeks/months/years. There was that brief time when I posted for a year straight  & that was awesome, but I don’t necessarily know if that’s where I am these days.

Because it’s not just Mom Life I want to talk about. It’s faith life & married life & friend life. Several of those things I feel are severely lacking in my world right now.

All of that being said, I’m working on my second round of the 21 Day Fix. In the first round, I lost right around four pounds & six+ inches. I feel like I’m not doing any better this round, but M says I look better & I have added a few challenges in, so maybe I’ll see a bigger change? The only thing I really notice lately is that my clothes are fitting differently. Most notably, I could probably use a belt now. And it’s possible my favorite go-to yoga pants fell down when I was doing burpees yesterday. Possible. Probable, if we’re being honest.

I’m on track with my reading goal for the year [65 again]. I’m planning a trip to Washington, D.C. with just Butter in April. I’m work, work, working away. I’m just . . . not focused? Yeah. I’m lacking serious focus.

What do you do to help you focus?